20 Things I Learned in 2013

#1 You CAN love to work out, love being healthy, and love your body.  It looks like this: 

I started in July, and now I have a butt, I have legs, and I have arms.  And if I took my hand out of a bag of chips for more than five minutes at a time, I'd probably have abs too.  

#2 If you're going to get a bird tattoo, don't get it with bandaged wings unless you want to look down at it daily and go, "Man, I'm a loser."

#3 Being called "vanilla" should be taken as a compliment, particularly when it comes from a criminal. 

#4 If you find yourself attracted to a man, he's gay, taken, or otherwise unavailable.  Get a cat instead. 

#5 There's nothing "tragically beautiful" about depression.

#6 If a boyfriend's former layover threatens to shank you, just call the police.

#7 If you have a legitimate stalker, just call the police.

#8 Keep the police on speed dial.

#9 Being happy is a choice, and gratitude is beautiful.  What you give, you receive.  

#10 Your mom is right about nearly everything.  Even when she's wrong, she's probably right.

  

#11 Hang around people who are better than you.

#12 There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay in and read.

#13 You will meet many gorgeous people.  The prettiest faces can still have the ugliest spirits.

#14 The quiet ones make the best friends.

#15 Generic toilet paper is a bad idea.

#16 Vegas is full of enormous parking garages.  If you think you'll remember where you parked, you won't.

#17 High standards don't make you a bitch.

#18 Learn something from everybody.

#19 If you're not willing to work for it, you don't deserve it.

#20 Fall in love with yourself first.

How to Cure a Case of the Relationshits

You've had an icky feeling in the pit of your stomach lately.  It's a bloated, gurgly, crampy feeling.  It's like that sensation you have the morning following a night of heavy drinking, when you'd typically take a fantastic poo; suddenly, the universe goes, "Just kidding!"  Sorry.  No poo for you.  Your diet is good, you've been drinking plenty of water, and you've remained active.  Why this feeling of sickness?

You have the relationshits.

The relationshits kick into full gear during the holiday season.  You can't flip the TV channel without running into some commercial with a happy man and woman wearing matching Christmas sweaters.  She's got a cheesy grin on her face because he just proposed and he went to Jared.  It's probably cubic zirconia.

You turn off the TV to avoid the madness, and decide instead to read a book.  You pick up your Danielle Steel novel but double over in pain from the relationshits because your ex just sent you a four-page text message about how he misses you so much and can't move on.  He feels bad about how things ended and just wants to talk.  How do you put this delicately for him?  You two are like Breaking Bad.  It's over.  Find a new show, or perhaps the rerun you turn to when you're bored.

Maybe they make a pill for the relationshits.

Then you get a call from Aunt Gertrude.  She's letting you know that your fourth cousin twice removed just got engaged to a chiropractor.  She wants to know about your love life.  She starts to ask, "Have you met any--......probably not."  You tell Aunt Gertrude that you have to go because the relationshits are building up and you might not make it to the bathroom.

You turn to Pinterest because you're looking up Christmas cookie recipes, when it happens: relationshit quotes--or rather...a-lack-of-relationshit quotes.  There's this: 

And this, which almost pushes your relationshits over the edge: 

And this...which sort of makes your single-ness feel legitimate...but not quite: 

You're about to relationshit your pants.  But then you see this.  And you know it must be true because of the pretty blonde girl deep in thought strolling the beach in the background:

The blonde girl might be right.  Plus, when you're single, you can go to bed with zit cream on your face and legs that haven't been shaved in nearly a week.

...Hypothetically...

And with that, your nasty case of the relationshits starts to ease up.  You switch to Netflix to avoid any more unwanted commercials, tell your ex that he was boring in bed but you wish him well, and block Aunt Gertrude's number.  You never liked her anyway.  She has a mustache.

5 Things That Happen When You Spiritually Turn 80

In your 20s, you're supposed to be wild and free.  While the body may be up for it, the mind has moved far beyond the years of bar-hopping and bed-hopping and really wants to stay home to watch Wheel of Fortune.  Here are five things to expect when you're an 80-year-old living in a 25-year-old's body.

 #1 Spicy Food Gives You Heartburn. So Does Food That Isn't Spicy.

You used to be able to go to Pin Kaow Thai and get the Level 10 Yam Khor Moo Yang without so much as batting an eye.  Now you can't even finish a bowl of rice without crying.  Wipe the snot from your nose, champ.  You've officially switched to Bran Flakes.

Nope. 

#2 You Can't Go Out With Your Friends Because You Have to Stay Home and Finish Your Book.

And it's not something hip and young like 50 Shades of Grey or Perks of Being a Wallflower.  Odds are that it came highly recommended from Suzanne Somers and you keep it right next to your Thighmaster.

#3 If It's 9:30, You Should've Been in Bed an Hour Ago.

Your day starts at 6:00 a.m. without fail.  If it hits 9:00 and your mouthguard isn't even in yet, you're screwed.

Go to bed, Grandma.

#4 Everything Has Germs. Everything.

You take a Clorox wipe to everything you touch before you touch it--and after.  An imminent staph infection lingers on every surface.

#5 T-Shirts Are Inappropriate. Tank Tops Are Inappropriate. Skin is Inappropriate.

If it's not a cardigan buttoned up to your nose, you're showing entirely too much skin.  What kind of impression are you giving people when you wear sandals without socks?  Quit dressing like a prostitute.

You look great!

3 Things You're Too Sore to Do After Crossfit

#1 Eat

After a grueling workout, all you want to do is go home and stuff your face.  But just a minute: 43,289 push jerks later and the mere thought of lifting a sandwich to your mouth makes your soul go flaccid.  The best you can do is lay down, fling the food into the air with a spoon, and hope it just somehow lands in your mouth.  Your family is two minutes away from laying out newspaper and putting your food in a doggy bowl.

Sorry.  No. 

#2 Sit on the Toi-Toi

Ladies, you might as well cut off all liquids.  Squats and lunges have destroyed your I-Have-to-Tinkle leg muscles for the next three days.  No worries, because you're pretty sure a little pee came out when you PRed your power snatch earlier on.  Ease up on the fiber too, lest you have to make a dipsy doodle in your incapacitated state.

Good luck with that.

#3 Wash Your Hair

No.  Just, no.  Your arms were declared DOA.  Your arms are done.  Thrusters and push presses and, well, how do we put this gently?  Two days from now, your hair will be greasy enough to fry an egg on your head.  At least you look ridiculously good naked, even with the bag you'll have to wear over your head.
  

This gentleman did not attend Crossfit.

Life at the Bottom of the Bottle

In a singular moment of clarity, he admits the obvious:

"Do you realize you have a drinking problem?" she asks.

"Yes."

But that will be the only instance of self-awareness when he acknowledges Crown Royal as his emotional crutch.

Every other night sings a different melody--when he pounds that fourth glass of Jack Daniels, turns to her, and hatefully spits, "I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you"; when he finishes off the bottle of Maker's Mark while she isn't looking, and then proceeds to drive her home; when the Ketel One runs out and all he can manage is to pass out in a drunken coma while he's still inside of her.

The excuses flow as smoothly as the two bottles of red wine he blew through the night he was supposed to meet her family.  "I was tired.  I was stressed.  You pressured me."  It will always be her fault, because accepting responsibility for his actions would be like trying to switch from beer to water.    

It's to be hoped that his whiskey will hold him in bed, his vodka will kiss him goodnight, and his tequila will push him forward when life knocks him down.  He must sense a brilliant life waiting for him at the bottom of the bottle.  

I'm Cheating on Fresh & Easy with Trader Joe's

I've been vegan for almost two months now.  I had my moment where I cheated, and I immediately regretted it.  The eggs tasted good going down, but they weren't worth the guilt, nausea, and lingering stench of egg-smell left in my kitchen.

Lately, though, I've been bored out of my mind with food.  I've started running out of ideas, and trolling the Internet for creative, easy, cheap dishes has become a pain in my big vegan behind.  My dear, dear friend, Joanna, is a big fan of Trader Joe's.  Knowing that I've usually stuck with Fresh & Easy (and sometimes Sprouts, when I don't mind going broke for food), she encouraged me to give it a shot.  So I made the trip out there today, and I wasn't disappointed.

I was like a kid in a candy store.  They had a wonderful vegan selection, and the prices were undoubtedly the lowest I've seen.  I found these meat-less items for about $2 less than they usually are.  $3 each for these packages of big, juicy, hot diggity dogs.  I was overjoyed.

I also picked up these amazing cookies.  I had tried the trail mix kind with Joanna, but I love chocolate chip oatmeal. These will probably be gone by tomorrow. 

For the last couple of months, I've also been searching for a solution to dry, troublesome skin.  I keep hearing that tea tree oil is a winner, and Joanna recommended jojoba oil as well.  I'm hopeful that this will finally solve my problems!  

I'm sooper dooper excited about this one.  Salty snack foods are my weakness.  I don't crave sweets too often; I want SALT.  I want CHIPS.  Again, Joanna introduced these to me.  They're bananas, BANANAS, but they taste like chips!  I shall unhinge my jaw and swallow the bag whole.

I'm a nut for autumn.  It might be my favorite season; and I've felt deprived of it ever since moving to Vegas.  Trader Joe's knew this; so Joe said, "Hey Meg, here's an entire display FULL of pumpkin-themed everything."  They had coffee, pancake/waffle mix, tea, cookies, and more.  I chose the delicious Country Pumpkin Spice Granola Cereal.  And then I cried tears of happiness.  

One of my last great finds was this tea tree oil soap.  I'm always on the look-out for all-natural, chemical-free products.  I was so frustrated with the lack of them in stores that I finally started making my own.  Even this has its limits in some cases though, as you might not be replenishing your body of the nutrients it needs.  This one gets an A+, however.  The ingredients were promising, namely because there were so few--as in, seven, most of which I recognized and could pronounce.  (How often does THAT happen?)

I had been putting off this first trip because Trader Joe's isn't exactly a five-minute drive from my apartment; and on weekends, I'm a major couch potato.  After trying it out, though, I'll probably be doing most of my shopping there.  Thanks, Joanna!

5 Signs Your Boyfriend is Sticking His Penis in Another Girl, Part 2 of 534

Well, Part 1 was a huge success, so I'm back for Round 2.  Here are five more signs that your man is straying.

(1) He takes a suspiciously long time to respond to a text or phone call and then uses, "Oh sorry, I left my phone in the car," or "Oh sorry, my battery died," or "Oh sorry, I was having a bowel movement." One time? Fine. Is he making a habit out of it? If that's the case, then what he really means is, "Oh sorry, I was venturing through another girl's holy land."

(2) He has a chick who is "just a friend" that he, for some odd reason, tries to keep you away from. Why? He's probably concerned that the conversation would subtly progress from, "So, you're friends with my boyfriend," to, "Oh wow, he's had his wang in the both of us."

(3) Does he not want you to meet his family? Maybe he wants to take it slow. If that's the case, good for him. If you've been dating for a year and he still won't bring you home, it could be because he's got another slut on the side who's already got in good with the fam. He doesn't want to have to explain to sweet little Grandma Eleanor why he's bringing two different whores to dinner in one week, right?

(4) He refuses to acknowledge your relationship on Facebook. This one is tricky because lots of people like to pull, "Why do we need to broadcast it on Facebook for you to trust me?" That's a very good point, to an extent. He could also be avoiding it because of the n00die pics of his dong that he sent to a dozen other girls.

(5) You find stashes of condoms in places that you never have sex. Does he keep them in the nightstand for when you spend the night? Terrific. How about his car? Locker? Desk at the office? Grandma's house? Post office? If you're not doing the naughty there, well...somebody is.