Sunday, December 16, 2012

Fresh & Easy Might Be Closing, and Why This Sucks Horrendously

If you live in Nevada (or California or Arizona), then you're familiar with Fresh & Easy.  I personally am there every week dropping dough on much needed groceries and snacky items.  It was recently announced that F&E's very existence is being called into question, as all 200 stores in these three states could potentially be closed.  If you're not a complete asshole, you'll see right away why this is a horrible idea.

It turns out Tesco, the British company that owns F&E, is looking for a new owner.  The major problem here is that the store hasn't done so well as of late, marked by their decrease in sales.  It might not be a chain that buyers are going to be dying to get their hands on. 

And if they can't find a new owner, Fresh & Easy is going byesie-bye.

I know that you're on the edge of your seat wondering why this store is so wonderful, so I've compiled a numerized list of all the reasons.  You're welcome.

(1) PRE-MADE MEALS!!!!  Hellurrr.  So many of us are lazy fucks who don't even want to be bothered heating a can of soup, myself included.  F&E has over 100 pre-made meals that are even super duper healthy.  And I'm not talking about frozen Hungry-Man TV dinners.  They're made from scratch every single day by the pretty little hands of the F&E chefs themselves.    
(2) They offer clearly marked products that are organic, kosher, gluten-free, sugar-free, and vegetarian.  
(3) Their brand products (and there are tons, including those pre-made meals I just mentioned) contain NO high-fructose corn syrup, artificial colors/flavors, and unnecessary preservatives.  
(4) They use local growers for their produce, helping out small businesses like a mother fucker.
(5) Since it's local, prices are all kinds of reasonable.
(6) Shit's delivered fresh daily.
(7) Items are packaged in smaller portions, perfect for households of one or two, and also ensuring freshness for all consumers, whether you're the Brady Bunch or a single gal cooking for one, like me.
(8) They pride themselves on being a friend to the neighborhood, so their property is kept clean, they keep noise and disruption in mind when scheduling their deliveries, they donate to local charities weekly and monthly (both money and food), and they help the schools in the neighborhood with their Shop for School fundraising program that helps balance budget cuts.

On the other hand, it might not be so hard to see why these stores aren't doing so hot.  America is one giant fatass.  We like chips and cookies and greasy, breaded shit, and sometimes even I can be caught elbow-deep in a bag of Fritos.  We like buying things in bulk or family-size and we like them jam-packed with preservatives so that those Valentine's Day cookies you bought will still be good for Christmas.  We like walking into one giant store and finding everything we need.  Modest, smaller stores like F&E might not attract consumers like *GASP* Wal-Mart does.

F&E is an advocate of a healthy, natural diet.  They care about local producers.  With this place, you know exactly what's in your food, where it came from, and how long you have to eat it before it starts to grow hair.  Do you think your body is loving that shitty dinner you just ate from whatever crap-tastic superstore you shop at?  No.  The answer is no.

One of you shithead buyers better snatch up this jewel.  Like, yesterday.  And please don't change a thing.

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