20 Things I Learned in 2013

#1 You CAN love to work out, love being healthy, and love your body.  It looks like this: 

I started in July, and now I have a butt, I have legs, and I have arms.  And if I took my hand out of a bag of chips for more than five minutes at a time, I'd probably have abs too.  

#2 If you're going to get a bird tattoo, don't get it with bandaged wings unless you want to look down at it daily and go, "Man, I'm a loser."

#3 Being called "vanilla" should be taken as a compliment, particularly when it comes from a criminal. 

#4 If you find yourself attracted to a man, he's gay, taken, or otherwise unavailable.  Get a cat instead. 

#5 There's nothing "tragically beautiful" about depression.

#6 If a boyfriend's former layover threatens to shank you, just call the police.

#7 If you have a legitimate stalker, just call the police.

#8 Keep the police on speed dial.

#9 Being happy is a choice, and gratitude is beautiful.  What you give, you receive.  

#10 Your mom is right about nearly everything.  Even when she's wrong, she's probably right.

  

#11 Hang around people who are better than you.

#12 There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay in and read.

#13 You will meet many gorgeous people.  The prettiest faces can still have the ugliest spirits.

#14 The quiet ones make the best friends.

#15 Generic toilet paper is a bad idea.

#16 Vegas is full of enormous parking garages.  If you think you'll remember where you parked, you won't.

#17 High standards don't make you a bitch.

#18 Learn something from everybody.

#19 If you're not willing to work for it, you don't deserve it.

#20 Fall in love with yourself first.

How to Cure a Case of the Relationshits

You've had an icky feeling in the pit of your stomach lately.  It's a bloated, gurgly, crampy feeling.  It's like that sensation you have the morning following a night of heavy drinking, when you'd typically take a fantastic poo; suddenly, the universe goes, "Just kidding!"  Sorry.  No poo for you.  Your diet is good, you've been drinking plenty of water, and you've remained active.  Why this feeling of sickness?

You have the relationshits.

The relationshits kick into full gear during the holiday season.  You can't flip the TV channel without running into some commercial with a happy man and woman wearing matching Christmas sweaters.  She's got a cheesy grin on her face because he just proposed and he went to Jared.  It's probably cubic zirconia.

You turn off the TV to avoid the madness, and decide instead to read a book.  You pick up your Danielle Steel novel but double over in pain from the relationshits because your ex just sent you a four-page text message about how he misses you so much and can't move on.  He feels bad about how things ended and just wants to talk.  How do you put this delicately for him?  You two are like Breaking Bad.  It's over.  Find a new show, or perhaps the rerun you turn to when you're bored.

Maybe they make a pill for the relationshits.

Then you get a call from Aunt Gertrude.  She's letting you know that your fourth cousin twice removed just got engaged to a chiropractor.  She wants to know about your love life.  She starts to ask, "Have you met any--......probably not."  You tell Aunt Gertrude that you have to go because the relationshits are building up and you might not make it to the bathroom.

You turn to Pinterest because you're looking up Christmas cookie recipes, when it happens: relationshit quotes--or rather...a-lack-of-relationshit quotes.  There's this: 

And this, which almost pushes your relationshits over the edge: 

And this...which sort of makes your single-ness feel legitimate...but not quite: 

You're about to relationshit your pants.  But then you see this.  And you know it must be true because of the pretty blonde girl deep in thought strolling the beach in the background:

The blonde girl might be right.  Plus, when you're single, you can go to bed with zit cream on your face and legs that haven't been shaved in nearly a week.

...Hypothetically...

And with that, your nasty case of the relationshits starts to ease up.  You switch to Netflix to avoid any more unwanted commercials, tell your ex that he was boring in bed but you wish him well, and block Aunt Gertrude's number.  You never liked her anyway.  She has a mustache.

5 Signs Your Boyfriend is Sticking His Penis in Another Girl, Part 2 of 534

Well, Part 1 was a huge success, so I'm back for Round 2.  Here are five more signs that your man is straying.

(1) He takes a suspiciously long time to respond to a text or phone call and then uses, "Oh sorry, I left my phone in the car," or "Oh sorry, my battery died," or "Oh sorry, I was having a bowel movement." One time? Fine. Is he making a habit out of it? If that's the case, then what he really means is, "Oh sorry, I was venturing through another girl's holy land."

(2) He has a chick who is "just a friend" that he, for some odd reason, tries to keep you away from. Why? He's probably concerned that the conversation would subtly progress from, "So, you're friends with my boyfriend," to, "Oh wow, he's had his wang in the both of us."

(3) Does he not want you to meet his family? Maybe he wants to take it slow. If that's the case, good for him. If you've been dating for a year and he still won't bring you home, it could be because he's got another slut on the side who's already got in good with the fam. He doesn't want to have to explain to sweet little Grandma Eleanor why he's bringing two different whores to dinner in one week, right?

(4) He refuses to acknowledge your relationship on Facebook. This one is tricky because lots of people like to pull, "Why do we need to broadcast it on Facebook for you to trust me?" That's a very good point, to an extent. He could also be avoiding it because of the n00die pics of his dong that he sent to a dozen other girls.

(5) You find stashes of condoms in places that you never have sex. Does he keep them in the nightstand for when you spend the night? Terrific. How about his car? Locker? Desk at the office? Grandma's house? Post office? If you're not doing the naughty there, well...somebody is.

5 Signs Your Boyfriend is Sticking His Penis in Another Girl: Part 1 of 534

We've all learned from past experiences the signs of cheating. Both men AND women can be unfaithful, but since I haven't gone lesbian (yet), I can only speak from what I've seen guys do and the stories I've heard from girlfriends. Here are five surefire signs that your man is double-dipping.

(1) He's Never Available on Date Night

There's always some bullshit excuse. He's with his guy friends. He's too tired. He's visiting his dying grandmother in the hospital. What he really means to say is that he met some hot waitress at Hooters and she gives great head.

(2) You Find Random Condom Wrappers on His Bedroom Floor

"Oh no, baby. That's from us." No it isn't. He didn't let a condom wrapper sit on the floor since you last had sex....a week ago. It's from the dirty whore he porked last night while you weren't there.

At least they're using protection.

(3) He's Constantly Reminding You That He's "Only Had Three or Four Partners" in His Life

BLASPHEME! If he's that secure with his number, he doesn't need to repeatedly throw it in your face. Read in between the lines. "I've only slept with a few people" means "I boned my high school's entire female student population and a little bit of the faculty too. Oh, and I might have syphilis."

(4) He's Oddly Protective of His Cell Phone

He doesn't need to show you everything he's doing on it, and snooping is an awful thing to make a habit of. Everyone deserves some privacy. But if he takes his cell into the bathroom with him, it's probably not because he wants to play Pac-Man while he's taking a shit.

He's definitely sending her dick pics.

(5) He Hides Your Relationship From Other People

Whether you're dating or "officially together," if he's working overtime so that no one knows about it, odds are that it's because he's playing Hide the Sausage with four or five other girls.