20 Things I Learned in 2013

#1 You CAN love to work out, love being healthy, and love your body.  It looks like this: 

I started in July, and now I have a butt, I have legs, and I have arms.  And if I took my hand out of a bag of chips for more than five minutes at a time, I'd probably have abs too.  

#2 If you're going to get a bird tattoo, don't get it with bandaged wings unless you want to look down at it daily and go, "Man, I'm a loser."

#3 Being called "vanilla" should be taken as a compliment, particularly when it comes from a criminal. 

#4 If you find yourself attracted to a man, he's gay, taken, or otherwise unavailable.  Get a cat instead. 

#5 There's nothing "tragically beautiful" about depression.

#6 If a boyfriend's former layover threatens to shank you, just call the police.

#7 If you have a legitimate stalker, just call the police.

#8 Keep the police on speed dial.

#9 Being happy is a choice, and gratitude is beautiful.  What you give, you receive.  

#10 Your mom is right about nearly everything.  Even when she's wrong, she's probably right.

  

#11 Hang around people who are better than you.

#12 There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay in and read.

#13 You will meet many gorgeous people.  The prettiest faces can still have the ugliest spirits.

#14 The quiet ones make the best friends.

#15 Generic toilet paper is a bad idea.

#16 Vegas is full of enormous parking garages.  If you think you'll remember where you parked, you won't.

#17 High standards don't make you a bitch.

#18 Learn something from everybody.

#19 If you're not willing to work for it, you don't deserve it.

#20 Fall in love with yourself first.

3 Things You're Too Sore to Do After Crossfit

#1 Eat

After a grueling workout, all you want to do is go home and stuff your face.  But just a minute: 43,289 push jerks later and the mere thought of lifting a sandwich to your mouth makes your soul go flaccid.  The best you can do is lay down, fling the food into the air with a spoon, and hope it just somehow lands in your mouth.  Your family is two minutes away from laying out newspaper and putting your food in a doggy bowl.

Sorry.  No. 

#2 Sit on the Toi-Toi

Ladies, you might as well cut off all liquids.  Squats and lunges have destroyed your I-Have-to-Tinkle leg muscles for the next three days.  No worries, because you're pretty sure a little pee came out when you PRed your power snatch earlier on.  Ease up on the fiber too, lest you have to make a dipsy doodle in your incapacitated state.

Good luck with that.

#3 Wash Your Hair

No.  Just, no.  Your arms were declared DOA.  Your arms are done.  Thrusters and push presses and, well, how do we put this gently?  Two days from now, your hair will be greasy enough to fry an egg on your head.  At least you look ridiculously good naked, even with the bag you'll have to wear over your head.
  

This gentleman did not attend Crossfit.