5 Things That Happen When You Spiritually Turn 80

In your 20s, you're supposed to be wild and free.  While the body may be up for it, the mind has moved far beyond the years of bar-hopping and bed-hopping and really wants to stay home to watch Wheel of Fortune.  Here are five things to expect when you're an 80-year-old living in a 25-year-old's body.

 #1 Spicy Food Gives You Heartburn. So Does Food That Isn't Spicy.

You used to be able to go to Pin Kaow Thai and get the Level 10 Yam Khor Moo Yang without so much as batting an eye.  Now you can't even finish a bowl of rice without crying.  Wipe the snot from your nose, champ.  You've officially switched to Bran Flakes.

Nope. 

#2 You Can't Go Out With Your Friends Because You Have to Stay Home and Finish Your Book.

And it's not something hip and young like 50 Shades of Grey or Perks of Being a Wallflower.  Odds are that it came highly recommended from Suzanne Somers and you keep it right next to your Thighmaster.

#3 If It's 9:30, You Should've Been in Bed an Hour Ago.

Your day starts at 6:00 a.m. without fail.  If it hits 9:00 and your mouthguard isn't even in yet, you're screwed.

Go to bed, Grandma.

#4 Everything Has Germs. Everything.

You take a Clorox wipe to everything you touch before you touch it--and after.  An imminent staph infection lingers on every surface.

#5 T-Shirts Are Inappropriate. Tank Tops Are Inappropriate. Skin is Inappropriate.

If it's not a cardigan buttoned up to your nose, you're showing entirely too much skin.  What kind of impression are you giving people when you wear sandals without socks?  Quit dressing like a prostitute.

You look great!