3 Things You're Too Sore to Do After Crossfit

#1 Eat

After a grueling workout, all you want to do is go home and stuff your face.  But just a minute: 43,289 push jerks later and the mere thought of lifting a sandwich to your mouth makes your soul go flaccid.  The best you can do is lay down, fling the food into the air with a spoon, and hope it just somehow lands in your mouth.  Your family is two minutes away from laying out newspaper and putting your food in a doggy bowl.

Sorry.  No. 

#2 Sit on the Toi-Toi

Ladies, you might as well cut off all liquids.  Squats and lunges have destroyed your I-Have-to-Tinkle leg muscles for the next three days.  No worries, because you're pretty sure a little pee came out when you PRed your power snatch earlier on.  Ease up on the fiber too, lest you have to make a dipsy doodle in your incapacitated state.

Good luck with that.

#3 Wash Your Hair

No.  Just, no.  Your arms were declared DOA.  Your arms are done.  Thrusters and push presses and, well, how do we put this gently?  Two days from now, your hair will be greasy enough to fry an egg on your head.  At least you look ridiculously good naked, even with the bag you'll have to wear over your head.
  

This gentleman did not attend Crossfit.

Life at the Bottom of the Bottle

In a singular moment of clarity, he admits the obvious:

"Do you realize you have a drinking problem?" she asks.

"Yes."

But that will be the only instance of self-awareness when he acknowledges Crown Royal as his emotional crutch.

Every other night sings a different melody--when he pounds that fourth glass of Jack Daniels, turns to her, and hatefully spits, "I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you"; when he finishes off the bottle of Maker's Mark while she isn't looking, and then proceeds to drive her home; when the Ketel One runs out and all he can manage is to pass out in a drunken coma while he's still inside of her.

The excuses flow as smoothly as the two bottles of red wine he blew through the night he was supposed to meet her family.  "I was tired.  I was stressed.  You pressured me."  It will always be her fault, because accepting responsibility for his actions would be like trying to switch from beer to water.    

It's to be hoped that his whiskey will hold him in bed, his vodka will kiss him goodnight, and his tequila will push him forward when life knocks him down.  He must sense a brilliant life waiting for him at the bottom of the bottle.  

I'm Cheating on Fresh & Easy with Trader Joe's

I've been vegan for almost two months now.  I had my moment where I cheated, and I immediately regretted it.  The eggs tasted good going down, but they weren't worth the guilt, nausea, and lingering stench of egg-smell left in my kitchen.

Lately, though, I've been bored out of my mind with food.  I've started running out of ideas, and trolling the Internet for creative, easy, cheap dishes has become a pain in my big vegan behind.  My dear, dear friend, Joanna, is a big fan of Trader Joe's.  Knowing that I've usually stuck with Fresh & Easy (and sometimes Sprouts, when I don't mind going broke for food), she encouraged me to give it a shot.  So I made the trip out there today, and I wasn't disappointed.

I was like a kid in a candy store.  They had a wonderful vegan selection, and the prices were undoubtedly the lowest I've seen.  I found these meat-less items for about $2 less than they usually are.  $3 each for these packages of big, juicy, hot diggity dogs.  I was overjoyed.

I also picked up these amazing cookies.  I had tried the trail mix kind with Joanna, but I love chocolate chip oatmeal. These will probably be gone by tomorrow. 

For the last couple of months, I've also been searching for a solution to dry, troublesome skin.  I keep hearing that tea tree oil is a winner, and Joanna recommended jojoba oil as well.  I'm hopeful that this will finally solve my problems!  

I'm sooper dooper excited about this one.  Salty snack foods are my weakness.  I don't crave sweets too often; I want SALT.  I want CHIPS.  Again, Joanna introduced these to me.  They're bananas, BANANAS, but they taste like chips!  I shall unhinge my jaw and swallow the bag whole.

I'm a nut for autumn.  It might be my favorite season; and I've felt deprived of it ever since moving to Vegas.  Trader Joe's knew this; so Joe said, "Hey Meg, here's an entire display FULL of pumpkin-themed everything."  They had coffee, pancake/waffle mix, tea, cookies, and more.  I chose the delicious Country Pumpkin Spice Granola Cereal.  And then I cried tears of happiness.  

One of my last great finds was this tea tree oil soap.  I'm always on the look-out for all-natural, chemical-free products.  I was so frustrated with the lack of them in stores that I finally started making my own.  Even this has its limits in some cases though, as you might not be replenishing your body of the nutrients it needs.  This one gets an A+, however.  The ingredients were promising, namely because there were so few--as in, seven, most of which I recognized and could pronounce.  (How often does THAT happen?)

I had been putting off this first trip because Trader Joe's isn't exactly a five-minute drive from my apartment; and on weekends, I'm a major couch potato.  After trying it out, though, I'll probably be doing most of my shopping there.  Thanks, Joanna!

5 Signs Your Boyfriend is Sticking His Penis in Another Girl, Part 2 of 534

Well, Part 1 was a huge success, so I'm back for Round 2.  Here are five more signs that your man is straying.

(1) He takes a suspiciously long time to respond to a text or phone call and then uses, "Oh sorry, I left my phone in the car," or "Oh sorry, my battery died," or "Oh sorry, I was having a bowel movement." One time? Fine. Is he making a habit out of it? If that's the case, then what he really means is, "Oh sorry, I was venturing through another girl's holy land."

(2) He has a chick who is "just a friend" that he, for some odd reason, tries to keep you away from. Why? He's probably concerned that the conversation would subtly progress from, "So, you're friends with my boyfriend," to, "Oh wow, he's had his wang in the both of us."

(3) Does he not want you to meet his family? Maybe he wants to take it slow. If that's the case, good for him. If you've been dating for a year and he still won't bring you home, it could be because he's got another slut on the side who's already got in good with the fam. He doesn't want to have to explain to sweet little Grandma Eleanor why he's bringing two different whores to dinner in one week, right?

(4) He refuses to acknowledge your relationship on Facebook. This one is tricky because lots of people like to pull, "Why do we need to broadcast it on Facebook for you to trust me?" That's a very good point, to an extent. He could also be avoiding it because of the n00die pics of his dong that he sent to a dozen other girls.

(5) You find stashes of condoms in places that you never have sex. Does he keep them in the nightstand for when you spend the night? Terrific. How about his car? Locker? Desk at the office? Grandma's house? Post office? If you're not doing the naughty there, well...somebody is.

5 Signs Your Boyfriend is Sticking His Penis in Another Girl: Part 1 of 534

We've all learned from past experiences the signs of cheating. Both men AND women can be unfaithful, but since I haven't gone lesbian (yet), I can only speak from what I've seen guys do and the stories I've heard from girlfriends. Here are five surefire signs that your man is double-dipping.

(1) He's Never Available on Date Night

There's always some bullshit excuse. He's with his guy friends. He's too tired. He's visiting his dying grandmother in the hospital. What he really means to say is that he met some hot waitress at Hooters and she gives great head.

(2) You Find Random Condom Wrappers on His Bedroom Floor

"Oh no, baby. That's from us." No it isn't. He didn't let a condom wrapper sit on the floor since you last had sex....a week ago. It's from the dirty whore he porked last night while you weren't there.

At least they're using protection.

(3) He's Constantly Reminding You That He's "Only Had Three or Four Partners" in His Life

BLASPHEME! If he's that secure with his number, he doesn't need to repeatedly throw it in your face. Read in between the lines. "I've only slept with a few people" means "I boned my high school's entire female student population and a little bit of the faculty too. Oh, and I might have syphilis."

(4) He's Oddly Protective of His Cell Phone

He doesn't need to show you everything he's doing on it, and snooping is an awful thing to make a habit of. Everyone deserves some privacy. But if he takes his cell into the bathroom with him, it's probably not because he wants to play Pac-Man while he's taking a shit.

He's definitely sending her dick pics.

(5) He Hides Your Relationship From Other People

Whether you're dating or "officially together," if he's working overtime so that no one knows about it, odds are that it's because he's playing Hide the Sausage with four or five other girls.

Vegetable Gardening and the Day I Didn't Kill My Lettuce

It worked!

It's been less than one week since I planted my first lettuce seeds, and holy canoli they sprouted.

Look how cute it is!

The lady at Star Nursery told me to water it twice a day, which I didn't think would be enough, considering it's 400 degrees out.  But it actually appeared to be a little TOO much, so I cut back a smidge.

WHO CARES?!  Look at my friggin' lettuce!

In other related, green-ish news, I'm starting my volunteer work for Vegas Roots.  If you haven't visited the website, quit being a bonehead and do it.

My First Time Planting and Lauren Conrad's Smoothie

I've been saying it for months, and I finally did.  I PLANTED a thing.  Lettuce, to be exact.  If it actually grows, I might pee myself.  Within an hour or so, this...

...turned into THIS.

I know.  You can't believe it.

I bought the goods at Star Nursery and only had to make two trips.  (I was under the impression that I could reuse soil I already had from the Stone Age, but, no.  Sorry.)

I can guarantee that once you set foot in this place, you'll be hooked.  Even if you're not into gardening.

Ok.  That's a lie.  BUT LOOK!  They have turtles and fish!

It's hard to see, but there's a little baby turtle there from when a mom and dad turtle had sweet, romantic turtle sex.  I'm in love.

How can you not like this place?  Look at all that green!!!!

Everything is fantastic on the smoothie front.  I'm trying this bad boy this week:

It's a variation of something Lauren Conrad pimps.  And you know that if a celebrity endorses it, it must be legit.

-1.5 cups almond milk

-.5 cup oatmeal

-.5 cup frozen strawberries

-1 frozen banananana

-1 tablespoon honey

It's nothing to write home about, but it's not bad either.  (Maybe I'll stick with her exact recipe next time.)  I'm hoping that the oatmeal helps fill me up a little longer so that an hour later, I won't be ready to gnaw on my own foot.  I'm also experimenting with breaded zucchini sticks, but I'll include those riveting pictures in my next post. 

If you haven't viewed my last blog on how bottled water is the devil dressed in plastic, why?  There's even a video.  Tomorrow I'll be speaking to our leasing office about why we don't have a recycling service, how we can get it, and how their parents are disappointed in them for destroying the planet.  Stay tuned!

Ciao,

Megan